The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
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Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.