The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
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I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.