Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Dead sexy!!
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
So we got a goldfish…
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed