Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
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If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: Ok
[next week]
THERAPIST: Well?
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides