No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
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Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
ACED my prostate exam!
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY