I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
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When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Do not steal food from the science building!
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy