Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Bed should get ready for ME
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
#DesignFail
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?