sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
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ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
The Others (2001)
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.