I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
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An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.