Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
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Ok, but like, how married are you?
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.