When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
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Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)