Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
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Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”