Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*