I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
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*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.