Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
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“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”