Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
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I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.