Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
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“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
can’t bark with your mouth full
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…