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[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
A Short Story.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?