wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
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ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb