And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
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ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.