Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
The best plant holders?
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
for all #parents out there