Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
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Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts