[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
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I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people