if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
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Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
This is my pinned tweet
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.