Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
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[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out