*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
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Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.