You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
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i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
when the buffet is more honest than your date
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE