Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
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Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
The Backseat Boys
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?