ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
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me logging onto twitter
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight