“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.