[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
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The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
#math
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
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My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.