Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
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I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
me after eating Cheetos
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.