My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
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i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Pretty much. 🤣
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
Well well well…
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)