HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
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Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?