business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
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Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
🤣😂
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.