I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
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You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole