I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
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Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)