[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
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Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.