[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
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I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
what’s more important?
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir