Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
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[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
pictures of spider-man
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.