gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*