Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
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Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it