I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
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Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.