Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I really had high hopes for this year though