My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
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Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.