Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
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*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
All generalizations are stupid.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war