Smallpox sounds so adorable
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Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…