I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
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Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I have obtained a hat
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz