*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
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If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
im all 3
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.