I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!